REAL

I've been back in the states since Saturday...well physically back.  But my mind and my spirit is still in Uganda.  I'm going to try to attempt to put into words what it feels like to come back here after spending so much time in another world.  Many of my friends who have gone on the trip with me have experienced similar feelings when they return.  I don't speak for them.  But I can try to help you understand.

This doesn't feel REAL.

It feels REAL there.

I've been walking around in another world for the last few days.  I go about my day with my thoughts on Uganda.  My mind is in another place and the trivial things of this place just don't matter to me.  When I'm in Uganda, I feel free.  I feel that what I do matters. The things I'm thinking about or praying about or talking about has meaning.  My focus is on the people, the children, God, and how I can be used.  Trivial things like do my shoes match my outfit, or how does my hair look, or what should I wear tomorrow just don't matter.  I don't spend time worrying about daily things like I do here.  The people of Uganda have priorities that I want.  God, family/friends, food, health, shelter, community, education - simply that.  There's no vanity when I'm there.  There's no anxiety, no selfishness, no frivolous things.  Only survival and necessity.  I know there are so many things there that can also be negative - lack of medical care, lack of food, lack of adequate shelter for some.  But that's the thing.  You only care about what REALLY matters.  There isn't time to worry about what others will say about you.  It's just...simple.

This morning, I got to my desk in my office and just teared up.  How do I go about life as usual.  I love my friends, my family, my church. I thank God for the blessings I have here. Please don't get me wrong.  I appreciate everything God has given me and I'm not complaining that I have them nor do I fault others for being who they are.  It's just an adjustment coming back from such want to so much extravagance.  I don't believe you should sell everything you have and live in poverty or feel guilty for being blessed and I don't look down on people for just living how they've always lived.  I'm not being snobby and I don't have a holier than thou attitude toward people; I just appreciate things differently now.

I want simple. I want truth. I want the basics.  I want REAL.  

It's like being a round peg in a square hole.  It's like you are carrying this thing with you and only a handful of people understand.  It's like you're carrying the faces of those children; their needs, their heart, their cries, their laughter, their excitement. You're carrying the love you felt, the friendships you made, the sites you've seen.  You carry this joy even though you're caught between here and there.  You're carrying this story inside of you and only a few people have read the book.  Others are annoyed with you because all you seem to want to talk about is Africa and the things you've seen there.  You are cautious not to annoy people but you're so full of it that it just overflows from you.  You live in two worlds at the same time and try to figure out which one you fit into.  You feel out of place in a group of people and when you try to explain it, words can't be found to paint the picture you want others to see.  You're mind wonders at the oddest times and find yourself daydreaming about songs you don't know the words to but can only hum the tune.  You replay pictures in your mind of one particular little boy who had the brightest smile and the stickiest blue lollipop that he shared with three other children.  You're heart is just so overwhelmed by the joy, the love, the seriousness and burden of it all.  You're overwhelmed by the great things and by the difficult things.  So much goodness but so much need.  It goes with you wherever you are.  It's who you become.  And you wouldn't have it any other way.