Anxiety and Depression - My Truth and My Peace

Disclaimer: This is long!  But the healing could have never come without the process.

Two months of barely eating. 

I'd lost so much weight that I didn't fit any of my clothes anymore.  

Two months of no sleeping. 

Like literally waking up every thirty minutes...for months. The only thing that would keep me asleep was to play preaching on youtube. When the sermon was over, I'd wake up.  

Nauseated every minute of every day.

The enemy whispering in my ear horrible, disgusting, off the wall things that I have never spoken of to anyone.  It was a constant record of lies playing on repeat in my head daily, nightly, for months.

Fear gripped me.

Worry engulfed me.

It was a perfect storm that the enemy orchestrated. He had waged war on my mind, my body, my future, and my spirit. 

And he almost won.

It was three months before I was to leave for Africa.  Daniel and I were still dating but I knew that a proposal was around the corner.  I was in the midst of the most intense spiritual warfare I'd every experienced in my life and I was doing it all alone. Silently.  NO ONE knew. Not even Daniel.  

The enemy had created the perfect storm.

When I'd go to his house to eat, I'd just push my food around and pray that I would get through dinner without him noticing. The nausea was so intense that I hadn't really been able to eat much for a few months.

I prayed constantly for the battle to be over.  I laid on my face and cried and pleaded that the thoughts and feelings would be taken away. But nothing happened...or so I thought.

It was triggered by one comment that someone made.   It broke open a tidal wave of guilt from sin I had let in my life.  The shame of that sin opened the door to the enemy to begin tormenting me with lies.  Thoughts that he would put into my mind that would not relent.  Things he wanted me to believe about myself that was so far from who I really was.  

Let me tell you. When you let the devil get a small toe into the door of your life and you don't have the knowledge or the strength to fight it, the downward spiral happens quick and the snowball effect multiplies.

From there, I began to worry about my relationship.  Why would Daniel want to marry me? What if He wakes up one day and doesn't want me? What if I wake up and don't want him?  What if this doesn't last?  What if he knows my sin? What if? What if? What if?

Then, words that had been spoken over me a year before by someone about how I should have never gone to Africa began to also flood my mind and put so much fear in me that I was paralyzed.  It was two months or so from leaving from Africa and I was supposed to speak at the women's conference we were having there.  God had given me a message and I KNEW it was God. But it didn't matter because those voices were so much louder.

Then one day at work, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke. I called my pastor and met with him.  I was a mess.  I don't even know how I walked into his office because I was so low, crying so hard I could hardly speak.  I think I scared him a little. I confessed everything to him and like a loving pastor, he listened and counseled me.  But I went home that night and had my first legit real panic attack. Except I didn't know it was a panic attack. I thought I was dying. I couldn't breathe. I was taking a shower and had to sit in the tub because I thought I was going to pass out.  

Enough was enough.  This thing had come to a head and I was done. I was tired and I was over it. It had to stop and I was determined to not live like this anymore!

I ended up getting counseling from one of my best friends (who happens to also be a licensed anointed christian counselor) and made the decision to start medication.  I know not everyone agrees with taking medication for anxiety/depression but it was what was best for me.  No offense, but if you break your leg not a second thought goes into taking pain medication.  Your brain is part of your body just like your leg and sometimes it needs help too.  Now I know that my anxiety/depression was also a spiritual attack but besides prayer, I needed the medication also.

My friend gave me some skills that I needed to help with the thoughts.  She was able to give me some clarity which was so needed because I was living in a fog.  Like a literally fog. I felt like I could see the fog when I opened my eyes.  I finally had peace for the first time in months.  I went to Africa, with my friend (which gave me a lot more peace that she was there), and it was an amazing experience. I spoke to the women and felt such a release when I was finished. And NONE of the things the enemy said would happen, happened.  NOT ONE!

And, to top it off, the cherry on top, I got engaged on that same trip!  

But when I got back, I became numb.  

I wasn't going to let God or the Enemy get to me. If God worked in my life, the enemy worked harder. So to stop that from happening, I just pressed the auto pilot button and coasted - for about three years.  Sure I went to church and prayed. But I never pushed in prayer because I was not about to let everything happen again.  I was in control for the first time in a long time and I was not going to give that up.  No way!  

I was happy. I was married to my best friend.  I loved my life. I became pregnant with my son and I had everything I had ever wanted.  God had given me the desires of my heart.  

But I was running.  

I knew I had to face it again.  I had to learn how to fight.  I had to stop trying to control this.  And it was hard.  I spoke to people about what they did and how they stopped the thoughts.  I prayed and I read scripture and I asked God to teach me.  I had read the scriptures about anxiety and fear for years but they never took root in my spirit.  I didn't understand them fully and I didn't understand that if God was a God of peace then why was I in so much chaos.  I asked him to teach me.

When I looked back on my life, now that I had a name to this thing - anxiety/depression - I started to replay situations in my life that I now had understanding of. I realized that I had dealt with anxiety at a young age.  That the enemy had spoken things to me and had me believe when I was a child. 

As a young girl, I always felt guilty.  At times, I would take on other peoples mistakes and feel guilty about them as though I had done them.  I would believe things that were so off the wall and those beliefs would cause me to be nervous, scared, worried, and nauseated for days at a time. 

For instance, when I was in third grade, for some reason I thought I was pregnant. I knew how you got pregnant and that had never happened, but for some reason I thought I was pregnant. I cried myself to sleep at night and worried for days.  Until one night when my mom came in and asked me what was wrong.  I told her through tears and she lovingly calmed me down and told me that I wasn't pregnant and that there was nothing to be worried about.  Crazy right?  Like how random.  But the enemy was whispering these crazy thoughts in my mind even when I was a child. And this is just one instance.

Fear gripped my life.  I was paralyzed from doing anything because of fear.  It was horrible.

And then I don't know when it started to happen, but it began to happen. God started to teach me to deal with the thoughts and fear.  He began to wash me of all the worry that I had, the depression that I carried around.  

What did He teach me and do I live now?

-Avoid situations and conversations that might trigger my anxiety.  I had to identify the things that would leave me open to an attack.  

-Learn how to take the thoughts captive.  I don't let my mind "go there."  I have had to work on this so hard. If I have a thought that is a worry, fear, accusation, I stop it in its tracks.  I don't dwell on it. I don't give it life. I replace the thought with positive thoughts, another thought, God's word, prayer, etc.  I just don't allow myself to allow those negative thoughts to grow.  This was very hard because when you're in the midst of anxiety, the thoughts are so loud.  So if I can stop the anxiety before it snowballs out of control, then through Christ, I can stop the loud lies that the enemy yells.

-When I'm in a situation were I can't get around an event that may trigger the anxiety, I have learned to set up the right guard rails.  I've learned my boundaries and my limits.

-I've learned to stay positive.  To be realistic but to stay positive.  Negative talk only breeds negative mindsets.

-I've had to learn to rest in the word. To relax in situations and not blow them out of control.  It would only lead to fear and worry.

-I've learned to surround myself with people who don't help the enemy get a foothold in my life. Words are so important.  "Death and life are in the power of the tongue." (Proverbs 18:21).  Surround yourself with people who will build you up, even when they are correcting you.

-I stick close to God.  I'm learning who I am in him. I'm learning that the closer I am to him, the more I hear him.  So when those thoughts come into my mind I have the power and the strength to cast them down.

-I pray.  I am no longer defensive. I take the offense. I prepare in prayer because I know there will be a new battle. The enemy will come back. He won't stop but He also won't win!

Do I have bad days? Yes.  Do I always live with inner peace? No.  Do I carry Anxiety and Depression with me every day?  NO WAY!  Will I always struggle with anxiety and depression? ABSOLUTELY NOT!  

God is healing me. I'm a work in progress.  I'm not where I need to be but I'm also no where near where I was.  When I have a bad day, I just go back to what I know.  I ask people to pray for me if I don't have the strength. That's why it's so important not to be alone in all of this. You need people who can hold you up. You need to be connected to the body of Christ. It's so important! So important!

So I say ALL of this to say, don't be discouraged. I'm not sharing my story to get pity or to be praised.  I want people to know that you are not alone.  Having someone tell me this when I was going through it was golden.  Especially when I was in the fog.  Those thoughts are not of God!  If they don't uplift or convict but instead they cause you to be paralyzed and condemned, they're not of God.  If you find yourself relating to me at all, then don't only relate to my story but relate more to my healing.  Get help! Start practicing biblical principles of peace and love what God teaches in his word.  Get under the cover of his wings.  And if it doesn't seem to be working, then stop, stand still and know that He is God.  Talk to someone who can help you see clearly, someone who can help pull you out of the fog.  And one day you too will look up and see that God is faithful. He NEVER leaves you or forsakes you.  He will teach you how to fight this!  He will show you the fullness of His Peace! And He will reign victorious in your life over the voice of the enemy! Peace is a Promise He Keeps!

"and the PEACE OF GOD, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus."  Phil 4:7

"Let the PEACE OF CHRIST rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful!" Col 3:15

You will stay true
Even when the lies come
Your Word remains truth
Even when my thoughts don’t line up
I will stand tall on each promise You made
Let the rest fade away

CHORUS
There’s a peace far beyond all understanding
May it ever set my heart at ease
Dare anxiety come I’ll remember
That peace is a promise You keep
Peace is a promise You keep

VERSE 2
You will stay true
Even in the chaos
Your Word remains truth
Even when my mind wreaks havoc
I will be still for I’ve known all along
My Jehovah Shalom

CHORUS 2
There’s a peace far beyond all understanding
May it ever set my heart at ease
What anxiety fails to remember
Is peace is a promise You keep
Peace is a promise You keep

REPRISE
You are peace to a restless soul
Peace when my thoughts wage war
Peace to the anxious heart
That’s who You are
That’s who You are

You are peace when my fear takes hold
Peace when I feel enclosed
Peace when I lose control
That’s who You are
That’s who You are

CHORUS 3
I’ve found peace far beyond all understanding
Let it flow when my mind’s under siege
All anxiety bows in the presence
Of Jesus the keeper of peace
And peace is a promise He keeps