Lord, use me. A prayer I've prayed a million times. But lately I've been doing some soul searching, or rather God has been telling me about myself. (Don't you love when he does that.) I've always wanted to be used by God greatly. I've said that I've surrendered all, sang the song a million times, and just turn around to pick up all the junk I've laid on the alter for the 15th time that month and try to figure out this "surrendered" life I'm supposed to lead. I've tried to map out how he can use me, where he can use me, and what he will have me doing. Well let me just tell you folks, my head has been stuck in the sand for many years. Now don't get me wrong, I've always wanted what God wanted for me and although I've put up a fight for a few things, I usually give in, hang my head like a little girl, and say "You were right all along and I should have listened the first time." Why do us girls always try to figure it all out?
About a year an a half ago, things changed. I REALLY gave in, let go of the reins, threw my hands in the air and said I quit. I quit, trying to figure it all out. I quit trying to make things happen or controlling everything in my life. I just gave up. And gave in. And boy has he wrecked me. He has completely turned my life upside down and taken me to places I never in a million years could have planned for myself. I'm just buckling my seat belt and hanging on. Since then, I may or may not have tried to regain "control" but it never works. I shake myself before it gets too out of control. But you know what, I've learned that I've should have been doing it all along. Why do we have to know every detail of what will happen? Why do we fight this thing called faith? Why can't we just give up and give in? He knows what's best for me and if I let him, He will take my life in a direction that will be so much more than I could have ever imagined. And there's a strange freedom with not knowing. A little fear too but freedom…if that's possible. I know I know, fear isn't of God but it's the kind of fear that just makes me trust him more. The things he is calling me to are much greater than any fear that the devil can put in my place. He's showing me things he wants for my future and giving me words of confirmation that can only be from him.
I want him to NOT leave me alone. Yes, it may be hard. Yes, it may be the kind of scary you feel when you go sky diving. But the exhilaration of free falling! That's sort of how I guess it feels. You're scared to death knowing that this huge thing (your calling if you are talking about God, the earth if we are talking about skydiving) is coming at you but you are so excited at the feeling of flying that you really don't even notice.
I want him to NOT leave me alone. I want to be bothered by him, to be awakened in the night by Him, I want to remembered by Him. I truly want to be HIS!
you blessed me
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